Writings

Desire Your Love First

 

I remember this encounter I had with a guy that I met online. He was incredibly good looking and he was sweet. I must have been 24 at the time. To this day, I swear by the name he called himself which was Sam. I don’t know if that was his actual name but he gave himself that name. I remember I was in school at the time and I needed to print documents so I would always go to the library and the bought me a printer for me to have at home. It was like a $50 printer and he also gave me $50 in cash. I don’t remember what happened and why we dissolved from there. But we didn’t talk again shortly after that. I remember his energy being so masculine and strong. Not too much. There wasn’t too much that we knew about each other personally. We didn’t ever get into deep conversations where we sat around and talked about our backgrounds. He gave me the inspiration to be sexy and attractive. Be seductive in action. He was such a welcoming man in some aspects because he would bring me lunch and even take me to dinner dates. He worked a lot as an engineer for a local engineering firm is what I knew to be fact. From there after, it was years that had passed before I thought about him again. It wasn’t something that I had thought about often. But deep down I knew if I googled him I either might not like what I find or I wouldn’t find anything at all. I don’t know that he wasn’t married. I still don’t know that. But I do know that when I googled him nothing came up. I once even called the engineering firm he worked at and they said he didn’t work there anymore. I ask myself occasionally what would have happened. And sometimes I even hope I run into him again. Do you ever do that? Have you ever done that?

“I wasn’t the woman I am today. And if I met him today, that could be a good thing or a bad thing”.  -El’Aundra

I am a different woman today though. My life has brought me to such a place of love for everything that I have been through and everything that I am today. There is nothing about myself that I don’t love. I love it all. Even the things I don’t like. I may not like them but I love myself because they still make me who I am. Does that make sense to you? You have to be able to say that to yourself and make that stick. It is your purpose in life to make that a fact for YOU! I believe in healing. I believe in mistakes. I believe in flaws. I believe in failures. I believe in ME. You need to say that to yourself every single day all day. There is a very small part of me that still felt that was true even at my lowest point in life. There was no reason for me to feel like I wasn’t good enough. I needed to learn how to love myself in order to understand that I am perfectly fine by myself. I don’t have to have someone else. I don’t necessarily think that there is anything wrong with me being by myself. It is important to learn how to be alone. Other than occasional dating, from 2011-2014 I was single. There was one man that I would entertain and spend the night at his house occasionally. But nothing was serious between us at all. It felt more like a really good friendship than anything. It is so important that you just love yourself. Take the time out to love YOU.

 

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