Desire Your Love First

 

I remember this encounter I had with a guy that I met online. He was incredibly good looking and he was sweet. I must have been 24 at the time. To this day, I swear by the name he called himself which was Sam. I don’t know if that was his actual name but he gave himself that name. I remember I was in school at the time and I needed to print documents so I would always go to the library and the bought me a printer for me to have at home. It was like a $50 printer and he also gave me $50 in cash. I don’t remember what happened and why we dissolved from there. But we didn’t talk again shortly after that. I remember his energy being so masculine and strong. Not too much. There wasn’t too much that we knew about each other personally. We didn’t ever get into deep conversations where we sat around and talked about our backgrounds. He gave me the inspiration to be sexy and attractive. Be seductive in action. He was such a welcoming man in some aspects because he would bring me lunch and even take me to dinner dates. He worked a lot as an engineer for a local engineering firm is what I knew to be fact. From there after, it was years that had passed before I thought about him again. It wasn’t something that I had thought about often. But deep down I knew if I googled him I either might not like what I find or I wouldn’t find anything at all. I don’t know that he wasn’t married. I still don’t know that. But I do know that when I googled him nothing came up. I once even called the engineering firm he worked at and they said he didn’t work there anymore. I ask myself occasionally what would have happened. And sometimes I even hope I run into him again. Do you ever do that? Have you ever done that?

“I wasn’t the woman I am today. And if I met him today, that could be a good thing or a bad thing”.  -El’Aundra

I am a different woman today though. My life has brought me to such a place of love for everything that I have been through and everything that I am today. There is nothing about myself that I don’t love. I love it all. Even the things I don’t like. I may not like them but I love myself because they still make me who I am. Does that make sense to you? You have to be able to say that to yourself and make that stick. It is your purpose in life to make that a fact for YOU! I believe in healing. I believe in mistakes. I believe in flaws. I believe in failures. I believe in ME. You need to say that to yourself every single day all day. There is a very small part of me that still felt that was true even at my lowest point in life. There was no reason for me to feel like I wasn’t good enough. I needed to learn how to love myself in order to understand that I am perfectly fine by myself. I don’t have to have someone else. I don’t necessarily think that there is anything wrong with me being by myself. It is important to learn how to be alone. Other than occasional dating, from 2011-2014 I was single. There was one man that I would entertain and spend the night at his house occasionally. But nothing was serious between us at all. It felt more like a really good friendship than anything. It is so important that you just love yourself. Take the time out to love YOU.

 

The Notion

“Those were in my corner actually weren’t; they were it the mix for their own benefit.”

 

I remember an ex would tell me not to take things to heart and that I needed to change everything about me because it wasn’t good enough…A friend that I thought was a friend accused me of something that is completely out of my character. I met someone new once and they would tell me not to swear so much…There was no freedom in who I was as a person and who I wanted to be. And that was evident by how those were around me were treating me because of how I felt about myself.

“The problem we have is our lack to empathize with other people. The fact that we are too expecting of them to change instead of taking them as they are”.

Do not try to change something about someone that in nature isn’t threatening to you. Do not try to change something about someone to accommodate you. Do not change the things about that person that make them who they are. If someone doesn’t suit me, it’s ok. I will keep the shit moving because I am in no position to lose sleep over how someone else feels or doesn’t feel about me.

Imagine yourself walking through a path we call life, and how you treat or feel about yourself determines how ‘sticky’ your skin is.

In other words, if you have low self esteem, your body is covered in stickiness because everything you encounter is going to stick to you. Why? Because of how you feel about yourself. On the other side, if you have a high self esteem, your body isn’t sticky at all. You might encounter one or two feathers along the way that stick to you.. but for the most part nothing sticks to you. Your “layer” gets thicker because of the feathers. Each and every feather that is on you is masking what’s underneath… the true you. Every feather represents someone else’s opinion about you. And if you know anything about feathers (thankfully I do lol); every single feather is not like another. The same is true for each person’s perspective, thoughts of you and what they say about you based on that information. So what do you do? If you had to pick each feather off of your body one by one, that would take a lot of time right? It would even take a bit of self discovery for you to get the courage to get rid of the feathers weighing you down, but eventually you would realize how much other people and their thoughts and opinions don’t fucking matter. Eventually a ‘weight’ would be lifted off of you.

Stop letting other people who feel like shit about themselves bring you down. It’s not fair to you to sit down and take someone else’s shit just because they think you deserve it. There isn’t a reason in this world that you cant say no to allowing those feathers stick to you. It is important for you to understand that your love for yourself takes over the love someone else has for you. The science behind that is really about loving yourself and letting that radiate. Everything else will follow.

A date a couple months ago involved a conversation that went like this:

The guy said “I don’t like women who drink.”

I stared at him for a second…”Care to elaborate?”

“I just don’t like women who drink. I think its a nasty habit. My mother was an alcoholic…” he said

So, I took another sip of my fucking Jameson on the rocks and proceeded to enjoy the hell out of that sip. I looked at him and then looked at his beer. Yup, you read right. He had a motherfuckin beer! I couldn’t believe this douchebag. Here’s what I said: “So what you’re saying is your mother was an alcoholic, and because of that you feel the need to put a sexist one sided standard on women you encounter? I am not your mother, and I just don’t think that’s a fair thing to say.” I never called him again.

Don’t be afraid to be yourself.